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Novice lovers tend to focus on only one of their partner's stimulating
genitals. Men tend to focus on the vagina and forget the clitoris. Women
tend to focus on the glans and forget the shaft. Both parts of both sexes
need stimulation for maximum sexual pleasure and satisfaction. This is
not to say that either partner has the control necessary for optimum stimulation and longevity, but we will get there, as will the lovers.
Women may complain of a lack of orgasms, but often cannot break thru
the tension of over-stimulation, often cannot relax enough, to have an
orgasm and release the tension. Men are more likely to escape thru orgasm,
which does sound just like what women expected of them. Lovers who know
their partner is moving toward another round of over-stimulation often
escape with orgasm before the tension builds too high. Most women and some
men will just push away physically. Many lovers just push away, breathing
heavily and assume their lover will get the point.
Because some of the physiological aspects of sex and orgasm are still
open to question, many researchers are reluctant to discuss topics like
high or deep stimulation, often because they are not sure of what they
speak. In a too ironically similar vein, many lovers are afraid to talk
about what they like and what their partner might like to try, partly because
they are not sure what might be best and partly because we are often unsure
how to say what we mean in a clear manner. We are not sure so we keep out
mouths shut. Not asking dumb question may help us appear more wise in short
term situations, but ignorance is not bliss and the anxiety of what you
would like to say will not abate until the discussion opens. So, if you
don't start, you will never have a basis upon which to grow a long-term
relationship, or to grow into a great lover. So the discussions of lovers
and of researchers do run parallel in content, tho not in tone.
The general, easy format for telling bad news is to start with something good, positive or complementary. "I love your energy but you should start working on your control." … "I love you, but would you shut the fuck up." If you are having trouble forming the positive to negative format then give your partner a copy of this paper.
Also remember that your lover wants feedback on feelings and on what works. Your partner needs at least as much feedback as you do, which is an ironic situation if you let yourself see that. In general, partners who become inhibited with one aspect of their relationship will become inhibited with other aspects. Conversely, partners who continue to explore each other may enjoy that exploration for a lifetime. Certainly, the child-like ability to always think of ourselves as still learning is a psychologically healthy attitude that leads to long life. And a very healthy attitude for your love life. Friends remind us to lighten up when we are full of shit or taking life too seriously.
Yet discussing sex with students, as students
and not as lovers, forces a teacher to articulate what is known and not
known, to research the literature that has been written about sex and sexuality.
And to re-explore our subject matter with our lover to clarify and check
reality. (These are purely scientific re-explorations, of course.) This
teaching and counseling perspective reveals that many people don't know
many of these basics all sexual technique, and forces the teacher and counselor
to figure out ways to explain, beyond the research, just what is going
on. But again, the more we talk about sex and technique, the better the
loving and the more we have to talk about it. And that is a fun spiral.
During foreplay, hopefully, a couple establishes the sensitivity of her clitoris. With the strength of a hand, a man can hurt her clitoris. Some women are more pain-sensitive than others are and some women seem to have more sensitive times of the month, of the year and of their lives. A lack of recent fondling might actually increase the sensitivity of the clitoris, requiring still gentler handling. Mostly the question is how sensitive she is now and how much stimulation she likes. During foreplay where the soft hand and mouth can be used, is an easy time to establish many balances and boundaries that shape more passionate moments.
The intensity of prolonged sex more often sneaks up on couples until they have to admit the pain is greater than the pleasure, and stop. The irony is that a bit of forethought would have helped. Still, lovers may take heart in the knowledge that skin will toughen with use, until days of sex will find only pleasure, not pain.
A second irony that slightly sore skin heals quickly while badly raw
and sore skin can take many days to heal. For soreness aloe is probably
the very best, with bag balm or others of the Neosporin group following
close behind. So the general rule is to quit at the first sign of soreness
in either partner and rest assured that tomorrow you will be able to 'get
it on' twice as long. Like sunburn, quit at the first sign of redness and
double the time each succeeding day. Again, the joke is that barely sore
skin will strengthen, but if you just can't quit, damaged skin can take
up to a week to heal, and only enough for very tentative sex before it
is sore again and needing a careful doubling, anyway.
In most egg laying birds, reptiles and fish, the older species, the
female anus doubles as a vagina. The male inserts his penis into the anus-vagina
and his semen usually meets the egg in the fallopian tubes from an ovary
or even in the anus-vagina, or outside. The eggs are lubricated for their
outward passage but usually mixed with fecal material, shit, as any egg
collector knows. In mammals the female has a second 'tube' with almost
identical form, based in the same genes. One serves as an anus and the
other as a vagina and uterus or womb. Non-mammals and males have four connectors,
tendons, to hold the anus inside the body. Female mammals have two tendons
to hold in the anus and two to hold in the vagina.
,,, sexual dissatisfaction has made for a lot of jokes, mostly bad ones, however slim a silver lining such jokes might be. Jokes naturally abound where the ironies, anxieties and the feelings are the strongest. Of course both are to blame and of course blame is the last thing to do. But that is an old irony. Ignorance means you need more practice, not blame. Sharing is where we want to go. Examining some of the joke is not only humorous, but also illuminating.
So men joke about tying a board to their ass, so they don't fall in, and the interesting items they find lost in there when they fall in anyway.
… men make jokes like, "Get them young and train them right." But obviously, these men don't really understand how to train them right, else they would have taught their more mature partners.
Calvin Coolidge and the First Lady were touring a new, experimental chicken farm with an army of reporters in tow, so we have to believe every word was reported truly. The farmer was particularly proud of how well his prized cock serviced all the hens. Mrs. Coolidge asked if the cock serviced the hens with major breaks or did he keep at it. Farmer said how he never took breaks. "You might want to tell that to the President." Of course the President could easily overhear and asked the farmer if the cock serviced the same hen repeatedly or did he look for a new one each time. The farmer was a bit nervous now but gamely affirmed that the cock went for a fresh hen. "You might want to tell that to the First Lady." The wondrous effect of a fresh hen on an old cock has been called the Coolidge Effect ever since…. Still, with better technique... we would not have as many good stories. And yes, our (great?) grandparents were quite open about sex. Europeans and much of the world is much more open about sex than most Americans, but watch out for the few cultures who will still chop your head off for a wrong comment or a right comment about the wrong person.
Of course, women have been 'pretending' since day one and women make no fewer jokes about men. "Well, he has a lot of energy," generally refers to how well he pounds away at her vagina …. And, ironically, reveals that she has not told him or does not know enough to explain it.
"I need a young man
To wash away my middle aged blues"
One major source of women's complains and jokes are about him being "a 30 second wonder." Overcoming premature ejaculation takes his understanding that he can last longer and that she would really appreciate a great deal longer. And it takes training by a loving woman who is able to openly talk like a loving human being rather than a passive object, and talk with her loving man who is also a person with strengths and weaknesses rather than a dominant object. If you want to slow a novice male, startle him and climb on top to show him what brings you to orgasm. Actually such demonstrations are always appropriate, educational and fun.
Perhaps women's greatest complaints and jokes are about "the one shot wonder." But many women are not sure that a man can have multiple orgasms. Which makes the jokes all the more poignant.
Jokes do break tensions that weak coitus certainly raises, and does
not relieve.
When couples are well stimulated they may not notice excessive heat or cold, watchers or rug burns. Conversely, when they are not well stimulated they realize how tired they are getting without much stimulation, much less coming to orgasm. When men still have an erection but are getting tired from lack of stimulation, they will often decide to hunch one side of the vagina and at least have an orgasm. Then they roll over, relieved that they at least got off and tell her she was wonderful. When coitus is more work than stimulation, guys wonder if they want to bother. This is when lovemaking becomes more dutiful work than enjoyment, and hence occurs less often.
He may still love his lady, but he is not getting the sexual satisfaction both lovers need. He may still find her beautiful, but his eye will rove.
When celebrities divorce and hang all their dirty laundry out for the world to see, they often speak of how their spouse has not touched them for weeks or months. Some of them are the sexiest people in the world, but it sounds like these elites are no more knowledgeable about sexual technique than most of us human beings.
I cringe when I hear such dirty laundry or try to watch shows based
on a sexually dysfunctional couple. Once you have transcended the problems,
much of that humor is no longer subtle or cute, just the anguish of dissatisfaction
and disappointment. And "all too common."
Again, if you are making headway on helping him to break thru into multiple orgasms, then you should have plenty of time, later, to focus on other forms of control. After you have helped him learn any control, then he does see you as a teacher, as well as a lover, who can teach him more. Don't try to cram too many lessons in at one time, enjoy the experience and see what you can learn from him. Turn-about is fair play.
Many men who have had even fair control, but who have not been with
a lady for awhile, will worry. Any new lady can disturb a man's control.
Admitting concern is one good way to set the stage for playful exploration,
but many men fear to even joke about losing control. The irony is that
speaking of such a worry seems even worse than asking directions, when,
of course, many women respond very well to such worries and almost no women
respond badly. The openness of getting to help you with your control really
turns on most women, so prepare your rueful jokes.
Indeed, open enthusiasm is often a key to really great sex and to staying
open about any sexual issues that should be discussed. Women are usually
the more open talkers, and men are usually more openly enthusiastic about
sex. That is a nice balance but better sexual technique is the goal.
…many women have trouble opening up sexually and want him to "make me
come." Other women 'allow' their men to love them. As with men, enthusiasm
is a major factor in the height and depth of the orgasm. Playing hard to
get or even bored will dampen the orgasm. Some women will refuse their
enthusiasm when having sex with someone besides their 'main man,' and sure
enough it is not as satisfying. Prostitutes, who often deal with insecure
men, may act bored to present no threat to their johns, but do find the
satisfaction to be less. So too, the rock star, who allows a worshipful
groupie to 'perform' some sexual act upon him, soon discovers that same
lack of satisfaction. Perhaps they should play on the old myth that this
john or groupie was too good to hold back the enthusiasm.
One complaint that is made most often by women, but for the men, is "thunderthighs." The Roman term for this condition translates as "mare's butt" and I have heard that the Chinese term refers to chicken drumsticks. I know of no modern research on thunderthighs, except that pear shaped women tend to live longer than apple shaped women. The lack of research on thunderthighs is an interesting irony for such a talked about subject.
I'm not sure it's accurate, but many ancient peoples believed that the
women's sexual energies were being stored in those tissues without being
released thru orgasm. Generally it was felt that she first had to have
discovered good, hot orgasms and then was blocked in the release. Probably
because that relationship ended. A terrible irony.… Her desire, tho, has
not abated, and, so the theory goes, all that energy gets locked up in
thunderthighs. Which, ironically in our culture, is not considered attractive.
Almost everyone but especially men, every day, wakes up slightly, sexually aroused, horny. We often do not have time to dwell upon that arousal, but part of waking and raising the metabolism from sleep to wakefulness, physiologically, includes a bit of sexual arousal.
It is an interesting irony. Reminds me of the "biological imperative."
This is a biological term, which remind us that individuals do not matter
in biology, the imperative is for the species to multiply. And so, perhaps
waking up horny is nature's way of reminding us, daily, that we are sexual
beings.
Modern psychological therapy can show slightly higher success rates
than leaving people to work out problems on their own resources of family
and friends, but Psychology has only one therapy with a 100% success rate,
to date. Orgasmic dysfunction is when a woman has been trying but has never
achieved an orgasm. Now, that is really sad.
Now that we have noted that either partner can control their orgasm,
simultaneous orgasms become relatively easy. Once one partner knows control,
it's easy to come to orgasm with your lover, so very easy. Simultaneous
orgasm takes a bit of learning about your lover and your lover's signals
and of the timing you each prefer. But once either of you gains a modicum
of control, and notices that your lover is building to orgasm, well, it's
time for the full joining. While so many lovers yearn for simultaneous
orgasms, these really are only an early level of control.
Frankly, the positions just reinforce what I have already been talking
about. The position does not matter if you have all four genitals fully
involved. The reason to shift legs and all into any position is to more
fully engage her clitoris, increase tension on the shaft of his penis or
for better thrusting in your current location. All the positions just focus
a certain balance of high and deep stimulation. And once you know your
controls, those positions may not make much difference. But they are still
fun to investigate.
The brain is the number one sex organ, far and away. The primacy of enthusiasm proves that.
If you are not sure you want a particular, possible lover, either you hesitate on past or you 'psych' yourself up. Your brain decides how aroused you are going to get.
When you cannot get someone off your mind, your brain, again, has already
decided how aroused you would like to get.
Most couples do, quickly, adapt some signals to suggest sex. This can
be a hint at tiredness, knowing that sleep is usually preceded by sex,
a favorite symbol or act pertaining to early encounters such as a reference
to lighting a candle, any of the infinite potential of double meanings,
or some act relating to love making like a feather light touch along any
part of the body.
Gloria Steinhem addressed an American Psychological Association convention in Toronto in 1978 and gave what is probably the definitive statement on erotica and pornography. She went all the way back to the Greek origins of the two terms. Erotica is whatever causes sexual arousal. It can be sculpture or pictures, or sounds or music, smells or taste, touch or feel, or more. Few people have any problem with erotica. May I repeat that to the puritans? Few people have any problem with erotica.
The trouble arises with pornography. All the way back to its Greek origins, pornography includes a connotation of dominance with the erotic arousal. Dominance is a lovely problem. A non-erotic problem. No one wants to be dominated, tho many accept their submission as inevitable. But Gloria is not a submissive lady, even if she has finally gotten married.
Most people figure that the erotica that arouses men is the full insertion
coitus, and the erotica that arouses women is touching, kissing and not
so much insertion. First, touching and kissing erotica arouses everyone.
Second, everyone is aroused most fully by full insertion erotica. Research
can be really fun.
And remember the pygmy chimps. Whenever a male gets frustrated and thrashing around, a female will offer sex. Now, that, is keeping peace in the tribe. A great many early humans, perhaps most, also calmed their men and women thru sex. That's an interesting argument for returning to our roots.
And Plato was the one who said that if we were lucky, we would find a wonderful wife. If not, well, you can always study philosophy.
Ever notice how 'embarrassed' is spelled much like being 'bare assed'
in public?
The spark that pushed me to write this book in this form was all the early publicity and news on Viagra. Well, I'd been thinking about writing down some of my most effective raps for some time. But. But, we are realizing that impotence is much more widespread than we had thought and Viagra's popularity would seem to show again just how widespread. Is it a wild irony that an anti-impotence drug would spark my speaking out on sexual technique?
Recent studies show that men with an active sex life are less prone
to prostate cancer. The prostate makes most of the lubricating fluid that
precedes and goes with the semen. Once again, use it or lose it.
Men and women who enjoy life are the ones who live longer. Just maintaining a better sex life helps you live to a more ripe old age. People who enjoy life are more likely to live a longer life. Use it or lose it.
Many men and women find "great abs," well defined abdominal muscles, to be very sexy. Many women and men like strong buttocks. Abs and butts are major sexual thrusting muscles. Great sex is the best way to build great abs and strong butts. In a similar vein, the cure for a double chin is neck stretches and tongue stretches, which sounds like deep tongue action of a "French" kiss or oral sex. Good sex can help keep you sexy. The irony is that the people who need such exercises the most, do have the hardest time getting… such exercise. So the 'frog,' with the bloat, double chin and big gut, is least likely to find a 'princess or prince' to help return to frog into the shining prince or princess.
Sex is the best exercise known. You burn more calories, use more muscle groups and breath harder within the time you spend at sex than any other form of exercise. Wrestling and then swimming are nearly as good for all the muscle groups but lag behind sex. This is why sex, so naturally, includes so many connotations about 'breathing hard' or 'heavy breathing.' It is aerobic
No pain, no gain," is bullshit. By the time you get to pain, you have
definitely over-strained. If you are in pain then you have damaged something.
Health clubs push people to join and then need dramatic improvements to
justify the customer's money. They would maintain happier customers if
they helped them find a level at which they can enjoy the exercise and
then teach those customers to reasonably increase their efforts. A better
call for all the push you can muster and enjoy is "Stretch, don't strain."
Whether you mean to stretch your muscles or to stretch your exertion to
as much as you can enjoy, this is the formula which will give you the maximum
growth of muscles and wind. Strain is wounding and needs time and energy
to heal before you can return to a good "stretch, don't strain" regimen.
… to "cum and go" is an old fantasy of dying after great sex. Obviously an adolescent dream about old age when the exertion can stop the heart. The myth is generally an old, but vigorous man and his young girlfriend or wife. The myth says that dying during sex is even better than dying in your sleep. I know of one case, and one case is a weak sample, of a beautiful woman who married an older man. He "came and went," died on top of her. She freaked. A friend worked with her in a psych ward. Really messed up that fantasy.
"Similar features and longer hair.
But if that's what it take to see you thru,
don't let it bother you."
On the other hand, daydreams that are sexual or violent, are often our
bodies reminding us that we need more exercise. When you are lying on the
couch fantasizing and your body is trying to tell you that it need a stretch
or a workout, your fantasies are likely to get quite active, even violent.
Men do tend to have the strength and women do tend to have the endurance, but again the overlap is so wide that the differences are trivial.
Piers Anthony had a science fiction character comment that men look for sex and if they find love along the way, that is great; while women look for a place to raise their children and if they find love along the way, that is great.
Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. in her most famous work, You Just Don't Understand, says that women's talk is rapport while men's talk is report. Nice phrasing. But she seems to be saying that women's intimacy is the glue of all relationships and men just do physical work and give reports on it. That kind of fits but rankles, and leaves most of us asking for more meat, more of the central factors, the "why." When women meet they do seem to talk about all their problems and weaknesses long before men do.
This is much like Dr. Carol Gilligan's very lucid work on the ways women are different. For example, she clarifies how girls at 11 are confident in their growth and their control of their world, but by 17 have given up and accepted their subservient role as our culture defines. But Gilligan, for all her wonderfully enlightening insight into women, sometimes slips over and seems to say that while women are discussing the intimate issues of how they feel about their lives, men are over discussing the game scores. Again, that partly fits and partly rankles. But then she defines what women talk about as intimate, therefore, women are more intimate than men. I wonder if she has some anger toward the guys.
The key circumstance is when men first meet, they assess each other's strengths, be that physical, emotional, mental, knowledge, skills or whatever. But the aim is team building. Men talk first about strengths and think about team building but only later focus on weaknesses; while women talk first about weaknesses and how to support people but only later focus on strengths. Actually, this seems a very balanced cultural adaptation: men assess the strengths and work on team building while women assess the weaknesses and work on support. This is a very dominant and submissive role division and, so, is probably culturally based. But it also makes for great teamwork.
One theory in anthropology says that the early and middle Bronze Age cultures of the Mediterranean basin were matriarchal, not patriarchal. Look at the clothes, today, on a TV show like Our Stupidest Videos. You'll see a man in a sexless suit, and often a woman in a sexy dress. He may act the idiot and she the brain, but still he is dominant and she is submissive, outwardly, while she is really running him. Hard to say which is actually dominant or submissive, but they are playing upon our cultural expectations….
Now think of the ancient, Bronze Age wall paintings and jars that depict
men and women. The women mostly wear the long straight cut, sexless gowns
and the men wear little if anything. Also, the most important gods, were
goddesses. Isis was most important in Egypt and had to put poor Osiris
back together every year. And first came the Earth Mother. Sure looks like
the men were the officially submissive and the women were in charge.
I will mention bonding, again. Again, all your senses are involved. Make love for three full days and, barring major problems, you will feel that you have fallen in love. You have bonded. The trust is there. You will feel more like doing more for this lover. You're in love. Enjoy it.
We see the same process when we bond with infants. Smell and taste are
very important. Sound and sight soon join in. Especially with infant and
adult bonding, there is nothing to stop kids forming other bonds, no jealousy.
I guess the infants are too young for such myths.
On the other end, "Breaking up is hard to do." But as the old band Blackhawk
used to point out, there is a cure for love: Find another lover. It works.
By replacing the sexual bond of the former lover, you can more clearly
see the relationship and the love both past and present, and decide what
is your future.
Nothing in the world is as fun as sex. And nothing has so many consequences
for your life. Isn't it a wonderful irony?
If you are going to do it, do it well. Right?
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